NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS - PROVED
This week scientists at CERN finally proved, once and for all, that there is indeed ‘no business like show business’ after studying the claim for over half a century.
A team of scientists at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland have this week finally proved, once and for all, that there is indeed ‘no business like show business’.
The phrase - which was coined in 1954 by Irving Berlin for his hit musical-comedy film of the same name - has been the focus of much study in the scientific community for almost 70 years, and finally a consensus has been reached.
“It’s now beyond doubt” said Head Professor, Ed Shoulders.
“Our team have been working on this conundrum by smashing various particles together at 99.9999991% the speed of light for many years and finally the results are conclusive” he continued. “There really is no business like show business”.
“For a short while, whilst experimenting with highly radioactive synthetic elements such as Dubnium, we thought that show business may have had slightly similar qualities to coal mining or contract cleaning” said senior lab technician, Dr Justine Pollock. “But after more tests and the discovery of Oganesson (117) we became convinced that Mr Berlin was correct in 1954 and there really are no direct similarities between show business and anything else” she continued.
The team of boffins are currently trying to work out whether there’s any truth in the 1999 theory that ‘There Ain’t No Party Like An S Club Party’ before the particle accelerator is closed down due to the European energy crisis.
ALPHA-CUNTY SPAGHETTI
Woman sueing canned goods manufacter for producing “tin of filth”
A mother of two is taking a well known tinned food company to court for selling a product that she claims has become “jam packed with curse words and explecitves” and says that she wants their brand of ‘Alphabetti Spaggheti’ removed from the supermarket shelves for good.
Brenda Foghorn from Didcot Parkway described how she used to enjoy making mealtimes more fun for her youngsters by using the tomato-based-pasta shapes to spell out little messages and funny words when they sat down for their tea.
“I’d used to write them funny little things when they got home from school” she said. “I’d spend a few minutes arranging the letters to ask if they had a good day at school or make a list of animals and stuff like that” she continued.
Brenda, who recently got divorced, said “I used to think it was quite an enjoyable and eductational additon to their supper but just recently some of the filth that’s been cropping up wouldn’t be suitable down the dockyard”.
Brenda, 41, whose husband has recently left her for a 19 year old Youtube influencer, went on to say - “not long ago the tins would contain the lyrics to Taylor Swift songs and stuff like that but just recently its been kicking out ‘cunt’ this and ‘fuckstick’ that - On more than one occassion I’ve had to scrape their entire dinner into the bin and order a Chinese”.
Now Brenda is taking the American food processing company - who sell 56 other varieties of food which isn’t litterered with vile profanities - to court.
“I’d like to see this rot taken off the shelves or failing that, I’d at least like some compensation for bringing this sort of filth into my household, especially as my husband and his new slut are currently refusing to pay any sort of child maintenance”.
The case continues.
DOGFISH NOW ELIGIBLE FOR CRUFTS
Kennel Club to allow tiny sharks to be displayed at prestigious dog show
The UK Kennel Club - whose job it is to oversee various canine activities- have today BOW-WOWED to ‘PIER PRESSURE from dogfish owners and stated that they will now be allowed to display their pets at next year’s Crufts show at the National Exhibition Centre. The sub aquatic creatures had been on a long list - along with American Pitbulls and Pyrenean Mastiffs - as not being recognised by the estemmed Kennel Club (which was founded in 1873) but following a lengthy campaign, they’ll now be strutting their stuff along with the best of them at the world famous dog show in 2023.
Spokesman for the organistion, Duncan Jowells said “we’re thrilled to finally recognise these creatures from the order squalidae, but its not going to be without its complaications”. “At the moment we haven’t decided what category dogfish will elligible for, but I suspect it will either be in the toy or pastoral” he continued.
However, some dog trainers aren’t happy with the decission. Dog breeder, Hetty Balbatross, whose Shetland Sheepdog competed in last year’s agility competition said “I think it’s a riculous decission. They’re already talking about flooding the entire venue with 2 million gallons of water, which is fine for the dogfish, but it’s going to make that bit where the lesbians dance with their dogs nye on impossible without lots of expensive scuba gear”. “If they want to the display their dogfish then they should drag them around in a little tank otherise it’s simply not fair on all the dogs which don’t have gills” she said.
Mr Jowell’s responded to the backlash by saying “we undertand that it’s going to be a bit of an upheaval, but it would be unfair on the 4 people that we know of in UK who keep dogfish as pets to deny them the opportunity to join in on the greatest show on Earth”.
FLYING
ANT
DAY
CANCELLED
Covid-19 scuppers plans to celebrate the big day across the country.
For the first time on record, people across Britain will be spending Flying Ant Day at home instead of with friends and loved ones owing to the social distancing restrictions caused by the coronavirus.
The annual event which sees the tiny insects grow wings and take to the skies in vast swarms is enjoyed by millions in the UK but many have reluctantly decided to give it a miss this summer and put twice as much thought and effort into next year’s festivities instead.
“It’s such a terrible shame” said 69 year old Carol Boswolox from Cirencester, “My family were going to travel over from Australia to celebrate Flying Ant Day with me this year but they’ve been forced to cancel their tickets”. “I don’t know if I’ll even bother putting a tree up…and you can bet your bottom dollar they won’t put any good ant films on the telly”.
And it’s not only consumers who are missing out on the merriment, businesses are going to feel the pinch as their usual surge in revenue is cruelly snatched away by the fickle finger of fate.
Sussex Landlord, Donovan Pentecost, said he’s worried that he may have to permanently shut his doors if Flying Ant Day is as much of a washout as experts have predicted. “Our beer garden would usually be full of revellers frantically swatting at the air as billions of males and new queens leave the nest to mate and get in everyone’s drinks and hair and make their skin crawl, but this year we’ve barely had any bookings whatsoever”. “I’ve got 200 turkeys in the freezer that look like they’ll be going to waste” he continued. “We’re deeply concerned”.
The Reverend Richard Cole was slightly more philosophical and tried to remind everyone about the true meaning of Flying Ant Day. “Although it is lovely spending this special time with those closest to us, Flying Ant Day has become rather commercial over the years”.
“Perhaps this year will be a good opportunity to enjoy some quiet reflection and remember that Flying Ant Day should be about the ants”.
CELEBRITY FLYING
ANT
DAY
ANT
DAY
We asked six of our favourite celebs how they celebrate the big day
JAMIE OLIVER - CHEF
Me and Jules love waking up early to the pitter patter of tiny feet as they scuttle around on the bedroom window trying to get in. I like a more traditional Flying Ant Day so I’ll usually cook a goose on the BBQ and we’ll eat it in the garden, swearing and cursing as the stupid wankers flutter and bundle their way into all the food and everybody's faces until we get so angry that we just lob all the food in the bin and go inside and order a fucking Chinese. Perfection.
RICHARD OSMAN - PRODUCER AND PRESENTER
I find Flying Ant Day the most magical time of the year and would love to make more flying-ant-based TV shows. Next year we’re thinking of making it into a live television extravaganza like Comic Relief or Red Nose Day and we’re planning on getting Ant and Dec to present the entire thing from inside a termite mound in the Masa Mara Game reserve. I can’t wait.
LUCY WORSLEY - HISTORIAN
I’m fascinated by the history of Flying Ant Day which actually started about 92 million years ago between the Cretaceous and Miocene periods. Back then people wouldn’t celebrate with sparklers and cakes like they do now because humans didn’t exist. I’d love the opportunity to go back and experience a traditional Victorian Flying Ant Day. We’ve all seen the beautiful old watercolour greetings cards depicting children riding ants through the streets of London and to me that really encapsulates the entire spirit of this special time of year.
ROY WOOD - WIZARD
Well Flying Ant Day has totally transformed my life thanks to my smash hit song ‘I Wish It Could Be Flying Ant Day, Every Day’ in the 1970’s. Back then everyone would write a song about Flying Ants but these days it seems to have gone out of vogue thanks to the bloody X Factor. I don’t have a very rock and roll Flying Ant Day anymore and am more than happy picking up my royalty cheque from the doormat and spending the day in the garden with the family.
CHRISTOPHER BIGGINS - ACTOR
It’s a frightfully busy time for me and I’ll usually be snowed under with ‘Antomime Season’. I’d love to be able to get out a bit more and enjoy the revolting swarms but I’ll more than likely be camping it up on stage in a matinee performance of one of the many ant-based fairytales. “They’re behind you!”
KIRSTIE ALLSOPP - CRAFTER
I love making decorations on Flying Ant Day’s Eve and have wonderful memories of curling up in front of the fireplace with my Grandmother and cutting out ant-shaped paper chains and lanterns. We’d go absolutely ant crazy and deck the house from top to bottom before leaving a biscuit out for Father Termite and going to bed terrified at the thought of him crawling down our chimney and converting to his new and horrifying winged form.
TOOLS
ARE LEFT
IN THE
VAN
OVERNIGHT!
Police have warned of a surge in cases of tradesmen leaving tools in their vans overnight despite plastering their vehicles with stickers which claim otherwise.
Information from burglars has played a vital role in outing dozens of van owners who have now been exposed as deceptive liars who willingly employ underhanded tactics in a callous attempt to protect their personal property.
Part time criminal, Jamie Knawvax, claimed that he robbed a van whilst pissed, fully expecting it to be empty, only to be confronted with thousands of pounds worth of tools and building equipment.
“I was on my way back from the pub with a mate and we came across a van with one of those stickers that says ‘No tools are left in this van overnight’ ” he said.
“My mate reckoned that the trades probably did leave them in there and I disagreed as I like to believe that most people are a little bit more honest and trustworthy than that” he continued.
“To settle a bet we busted open the van’s back doors and I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw that it was full to the brim. I ended up going home with thousands of pounds worth of power-tools but couldn’t help feeling slightly disappointed that I’d been lied to”
Detective Constable Robin Faunce said that this isn’t an isolated case and police have been receiving dozens of reports about small businesses and sole traders who have attempted to deceive the general public by using stickers which claim that they take their gear indoors every night when they don’t.
“It’s a pretty sad state of affairs” he said.
“People out on the rob get given a hard time for being dishonest but now it seems that the people who are actually getting robbed have resorted to using misleading techniques that are frankly no less sneaky and conniving” he continued.
“As a police officer, it’s very difficult to know whose side we should be on”
Ministers have been urged to introduce a new law which would prevent all plumbers, builders and electricians from being allowed to fabricate the truth on their vans in sticker form.
If passed the new legislation could come with statutory minimum terms, meaning that in most circumstances, anyone misusing a ‘No tools are kept in the van overnight’ sticker, would face a lengthy prison sentence.
SALES
OF
TOTEM
POLES
HITS
RECORD
LOW
Shares in the large wooden carvings plummet leaving totem pole salesmen scratching their heads
Totem pole shops around Britain are reporting a sharp decline in sales which has led some shopkeepers to consider making emergency redundancies and even contemplate closing their doors altogether.
The British Chamber of Totemic Industries revealed that totem pole sales figures for 2019 came to just 89,198, a 33% decrease for the year leaving experts wondering why consumers have suddenly stopped putting their hands in their pockets for the gigantic Native American pillars.
Rooney Foghat, whose factory in Chichester employs 165 people and exports totem poles all over the UK said: “Now I’ve got loads of them just sitting here that I can’t sell. I don’t know whether it’s just a blip or whether Britain’s once insatiable demand has finally dried up for good”
Melinda Carbuncle runs a small village totem pole shop in the Brecon Beacons and said: “We used to be very busy selling totem poles in here on a daily basis but it feels like everyone just woke up one day and decided they don’t want them anymore”
“I’ve got hundreds of giant redwood trunks out back that I’m waiting to carve the faces of owls and bears into but at the moment I don’t see the point until I’ve sold the ones that are already sitting on the shop floor”
Economist, Harriet Battersbox said: “For as long as most of us can remember totem pole sales have been the linchpin of the British economy but over the years, with less and less people worshipping hawks, the writing has very much been on the wall”
“With more and more people buying cheap totem poles online from countries like China I’m afraid this could be another hole that we see left in our dwindling high-street” she added.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)